The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop...

Topics: Funny Facebook Status Quotes

One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling 'Help! Shark!...

One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling 'Help! Shark!...

When I was younger, I would put my face close to a fan & talk...

When I was younger, I would put my face close to a fan & talk...

I realized Facebook was a drug when I caught myself sneaking into the bathroom at...

I realized Facebook was a drug when I caught myself sneaking into the bathroom at...

Nothing makes me want a relationship to fail more than matching profile pictures.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

If someone texts 'K', just reply with 'L M N O P Q R S...

If someone texts 'K', just reply with 'L M N O P Q R S...

Dear guy on the dance floor 'Raising the roof,' you're not raising your chances of...

Dear guy on the dance floor 'Raising the roof,' you're not raising your chances of...

Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others...

Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others...

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have...

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have...

If my boss paid me in Trident Layers, I'd probably have to kick his ass.

If my boss paid me in Trident Layers, I'd probably have to kick his ass.

Online dating is now like eating at Denny's thanks to photoshop, in person your order...

Online dating is now like eating at Denny's thanks to photoshop, in person your order...

I love how when my soap runs out in the shower, my shampoo magically transforms...

I love how when my soap runs out in the shower, my shampoo magically transforms...

Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but...

Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but...

It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny...

It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny...

Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of...

Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of...

I named my hard drive 'That Ass' so once a month my computer asks me...

I named my hard drive 'That Ass' so once a month my computer asks me...

Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, my...

Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, my...