I made up my mind long ago that life was too short to do anything for myself that I could pay others to do for me.

Quote by Somerset Maugham

Topics: Funny Quotes, Life Quotes

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.

The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have...

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have...

Pound notes are the best religion in the world.

Pound notes are the best religion in the world.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are...

Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are...

Borrow your wife's pink slippers just to go check the mail and everybody in the...

Borrow your wife's pink slippers just to go check the mail and everybody in the...

Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you...

Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you...

Drama is life with the dull bits left out.

Drama is life with the dull bits left out.

No sex, age, or condition is above or below the absolute necessity of modesty; but...

No sex, age, or condition is above or below the absolute necessity of modesty; but...

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to...

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to...

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

I once made love to a female clown, and she twisted my penis into a...

I once made love to a female clown, and she twisted my penis into a...

I used to keep my college room mate from reading my personal mail by hiding...

I used to keep my college room mate from reading my personal mail by hiding...

Halloween is huge in my house and we really get into the spirits of things.

Halloween is huge in my house and we really get into the spirits of things.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

There's nothing half so real in life as the things you've done...inexorably, unalterably done.

There's nothing half so real in life as the things you've done...inexorably, unalterably done.