Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

Quote by Billy Connolly

Topics: Billy Connolly Quotes

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go...

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go...

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly...

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly...

I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if...

I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if...

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America...

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America...

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture...

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture...

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?...

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?...

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did...

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did...

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of...

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of...

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful....

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful....

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of...

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of...

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a...

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a...

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god,...

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god,...

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together,...

To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together,...

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

In business partnerships and marriage partnerships, O' the cheating that goes on

In business partnerships and marriage partnerships, O' the cheating that goes on

Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty

Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty