I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Quote by Billy Connolly

Topics: Billy Connolly Quotes

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together,...

To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together,...

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did...

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did...

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?...

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?...

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was...

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was...

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a...

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a...

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on...

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on...

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of...

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of...

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I...

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I...

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if...

I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if...

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of...

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of...

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it...

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it...

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's...

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's...

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly...

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly...

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture...

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture...

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.