It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

Quote by Jay London

Topics: Funny Quotes

You know what burns me? Matches.

You know what burns me? Matches.

I saw a stationery store move.

I saw a stationery store move.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for...

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for...

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He...

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He...

People read me but they don't subscribe.

People read me but they don't subscribe.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out...

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out...

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be',...

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be',...

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

I was born nine months premature.

I was born nine months premature.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling...

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling...

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed...

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed...

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we...

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we...