My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Quote by Jay London
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.
My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling...
They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the...
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
I model irregular clothing.
My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He...
You know what burns me? Matches.
I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be',...
My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was...
I was born nine months premature.
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.
I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out...
I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed...
I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.
I saw a stationery store move.