My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

Quote by Jay London

Topics: Funny Quotes

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling...

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling...

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the...

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the...

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

I model irregular clothing.

I model irregular clothing.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He...

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He...

You know what burns me? Matches.

You know what burns me? Matches.

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be',...

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be',...

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was...

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was...

I was born nine months premature.

I was born nine months premature.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out...

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out...

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed...

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed...

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

I saw a stationery store move.

I saw a stationery store move.