In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist. I was always being suspended.

Quote by Tom Guntorius

Topics: Funny Quotes, Witty Quotes

I've dated men my age, younger than me and older. The only difference is the...

I've dated men my age, younger than me and older. The only difference is the...

Even from a very early age, I knew I didn't want to miss out on...

Even from a very early age, I knew I didn't want to miss out on...

I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a...

I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a...

The parents age must be remembered, both for joy and anxiety.

The parents age must be remembered, both for joy and anxiety.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me superman.

I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me superman.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized...

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized...

A man who is not a communist at the age of twenty is a fool....

A man who is not a communist at the age of twenty is a fool....

Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it I wash my mouth out...

Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it I wash my mouth out...

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

I never did very well in mathI could never seem to persuade the teacher that...

I never did very well in mathI could never seem to persuade the teacher that...

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so...

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so...

My breath is offensive to my wife; I am loathsome to my own brothers.

My breath is offensive to my wife; I am loathsome to my own brothers.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more than she...

No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more than she...

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you...

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you...