In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist. I was always being suspended.

Quote by Tom Guntorius

Topics: Funny Quotes, Witty Quotes

You can't legislate intelligence and common sense into people

You can't legislate intelligence and common sense into people

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.

Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.

Happy Leap Day! Anyone else hear 2pac is coming back today?

Happy Leap Day! Anyone else hear 2pac is coming back today?

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.

When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have...

When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have...

Changing your life is like a diet, most people fail in the first week.

Changing your life is like a diet, most people fail in the first week.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a...

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a...

Age is not measured by years. Nature does not equally distribute energy. Some people are...

Age is not measured by years. Nature does not equally distribute energy. Some people are...

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of...

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of...

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission

Every man is a creature of the age in which he lives; very few are...

Every man is a creature of the age in which he lives; very few are...

Any girl can look glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look...

Any girl can look glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look...

Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion.

No officer, my speech isn't slurred. I'm just talking in cursive.

No officer, my speech isn't slurred. I'm just talking in cursive.

She marking them begins a wailing note And sings extemporally a woeful ditty; How love...

She marking them begins a wailing note And sings extemporally a woeful ditty; How love...

Putting makeup on will not make people like you. Maybe you should eat makeup so...

Putting makeup on will not make people like you. Maybe you should eat makeup so...