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Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned...

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned...

The past is a ghost, the future a dream. All we ever have is now.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream. All we ever have is now.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they...

Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they...

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting...

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting...

We live in an age that is driven by information. Technological breakthroughs... are changing the...

We live in an age that is driven by information. Technological breakthroughs... are changing the...

That awkward moment when you name your child 'Christian' only for him to grow up...

That awkward moment when you name your child 'Christian' only for him to grow up...

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Christmas itself may be called into question, If carried so far it creates indigestion.

Christmas itself may be called into question, If carried so far it creates indigestion.

You see, money's not everything in life is it? but it keeps you in touch...

You see, money's not everything in life is it? but it keeps you in touch...

Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods.

Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking,...

On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking,...

We are not limited by our old age; we are liberated by it.

We are not limited by our old age; we are liberated by it.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse'.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse'.

A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.

A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.

Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults...

Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults...

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

Nowadays three witty turns of phrase and a lie make a writer.

Nowadays three witty turns of phrase and a lie make a writer.

She marking them begins a wailing note And sings extemporally a woeful ditty; How love...

She marking them begins a wailing note And sings extemporally a woeful ditty; How love...