I said to the wife, Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this road except one. And she said, I'll bet it's that stuck up Phyllis at number 23.

Quote by Max Kauffmann

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it...

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it...

Hope is the dream of the waking man.

Hope is the dream of the waking man.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done...

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done...

As you know, no one over thirty years of age is afraid of tittle-tattle. I...

As you know, no one over thirty years of age is afraid of tittle-tattle. I...

In this, our age of infamy Man's choice is but to be A tyrant, traitor,...

In this, our age of infamy Man's choice is but to be A tyrant, traitor,...

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.

On the whole, age comes more gently to those who have some doorway into an...

On the whole, age comes more gently to those who have some doorway into an...

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the...

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the...

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are...

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are...

The only 'ism' Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

The only 'ism' Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.

If you don't run your own life, somebody else will.

If you don't run your own life, somebody else will.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream. All we ever have is now.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream. All we ever have is now.

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work...

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work...

Ours is the age of substitutes: instead of language, we have jargon: instead of principles,...

Ours is the age of substitutes: instead of language, we have jargon: instead of principles,...

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the...

Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the...