How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

Quote by Emo Phillips

Topics: Hilarious Quotes, Life Quotes

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me...

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me...

Shopping is better than sex. At least if youre not satisfied, you can exchange it...

Shopping is better than sex. At least if youre not satisfied, you can exchange it...

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.

God writes a lot of comedy-the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors...

God writes a lot of comedy-the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors...

Love is the answer, but while youre waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty...

Love is the answer, but while youre waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty...

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. Theres too much fraternizing with the...

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. Theres too much fraternizing with the...

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one,...

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one,...

Life is like a cobweb, not an organizational chart.

Life is like a cobweb, not an organizational chart.

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue...

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue...

The only people who make love all the time are liars.

The only people who make love all the time are liars.

Life is like an onion; you peel one layer off at a time and sometimes...

Life is like an onion; you peel one layer off at a time and sometimes...

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money...

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money...

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your...

Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by...

This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by...

Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others.

Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others.

No one really knows why they are alive until they know what they'd die for.

No one really knows why they are alive until they know what they'd die for.

Are you bored with life? Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with...

Are you bored with life? Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with...

May you live your life as if the maxim of your actions were to become...

May you live your life as if the maxim of your actions were to become...