At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Quote by George Carlin

Topics: Death Quotes

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going...

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going...

Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them...

Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them...

Always do whatever's next.

Always do whatever's next.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to...

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to...

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly...

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people...

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people...

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it

Think off-center.

Think off-center.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said...

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said...

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticide grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain....

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticide grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain....

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that...

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that...

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot...

The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot...

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself

Joel, I'm not a concept. I want you to just keep that in your head....

Joel, I'm not a concept. I want you to just keep that in your head....

You can do what you think you can do and you cannot do what you...

You can do what you think you can do and you cannot do what you...