At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Quote by George Carlin

Topics: Death Quotes

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters...

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters...

Were having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, were...

Were having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, were...

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said...

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said...

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're...

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that...

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As...

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As...

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next...

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next...

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30...

What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30...

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good...

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess...

This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess...

Always do whatever's next.

Always do whatever's next.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind...

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind...

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told...

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out...

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out...

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is