Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger…

Quote by Tim Vine

Topics: Tim Vine Quotes

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in...

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people...

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have...

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have...

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was...

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was...

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm...

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm...

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang...

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang...

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?'...

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?'...

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the...

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the...

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said...

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said...

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a...

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a...

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in...

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in...

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming...

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming...

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said...

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said...

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing...

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing...

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with...

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with...