People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced…

Quote by Tim Vine

Topics: Tim Vine Quotes

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming...

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming...

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with...

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with...

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in...

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in...

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the...

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the...

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people...

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people...

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was...

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was...

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?'...

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?'...

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said...

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said...

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have...

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have...

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang...

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people...

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in...

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in...

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm...

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm...

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said...

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said...

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.