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I always think clothes make you look fat, so I prefer to be naked.

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I always think clothes make you look fat, so I prefer to be naked.

Age is something that doesn't matter unless you're a cheese.

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Age is something that doesn't matter unless you're a cheese.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth.

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Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth.

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

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In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

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Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

When I die I want my last words to be, I left a million dollars...

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When I die I want my last words to be, I left a million dollars...

After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say I want...

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After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say I want...

There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

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There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

Valentine's Day is coming up ? Oh Crap!- I forgot to get a girlfriend again.

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Valentine's Day is coming up ? Oh Crap!- I forgot to get a girlfriend again.

You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

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You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start...

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Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start...

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where...

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The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where...

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous...

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If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous...

A guy with a gun enters a bar. Who the fuck had sex with my...

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A guy with a gun enters a bar. Who the fuck had sex with my...

Do you ever wonder why Love is like drinking beer ? It's because once you...

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Do you ever wonder why Love is like drinking beer ? It's because once you...

What is Father Christmas' wife called ? Mary Christmas!

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What is Father Christmas' wife called ? Mary Christmas!

All I want for Christmas is you

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All I want for Christmas is you

Two of the most important things a person should bear in mind: use things, not...

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Two of the most important things a person should bear in mind: use things, not...