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A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

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A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

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In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

There's three rules of cheating. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married....

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There's three rules of cheating. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married....

Come out of the closet and still be awesome CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

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Come out of the closet and still be awesome CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

A well tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men

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A well tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men

There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

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There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

"How are you going to feel when he sees you without any makeup?" "I'm not...

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God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

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God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

All I want is to find a guy like Ted who'll love me like Marshall...

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All I want is to find a guy like Ted who'll love me like Marshall...

Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....

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Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....

I made me laugh

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I made me laugh

New Year New Girlfriend New Problems.

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New Year New Girlfriend New Problems.

You never know what you have until you clean your room

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You never know what you have until you clean your room

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

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Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've got six kids. I'm not done. I'm going to keep having kids until I...

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I've got six kids. I'm not done. I'm going to keep having kids until I...

There has got to be more to life than just be really, really ridiculously good...

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There has got to be more to life than just be really, really ridiculously good...

This woman I met last week says she wants a guy who is "funny and...

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This woman I met last week says she wants a guy who is

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could...

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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could...

Don't have sex, cause you will get pregnant and die.

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Don't have sex, cause you will get pregnant and die.

Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope...

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Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope...

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep smiling and being optimistic all the time...

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I can't do this anymore. I can't keep smiling and being optimistic all the time...

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.

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Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.

People get what they get. It has nothing to do with that they deserve

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People get what they get. It has nothing to do with that they deserve