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All I want is to find a guy like Ted who'll love me like Marshall...

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All I want is to find a guy like Ted who'll love me like Marshall...

Come out of the closet and still be awesome CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

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Come out of the closet and still be awesome CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

"How are you going to feel when he sees you without any makeup?" "I'm not...

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There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

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There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....

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Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....

The only 'B' word you should call a woman is 'beautiful' . Bitches love being...

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The only 'B' word you should call a woman is 'beautiful' . Bitches love being...

There's three rules of cheating. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married....

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There's three rules of cheating. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married....

I made me laugh

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I made me laugh

A well tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men

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A well tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

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A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

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In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome

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Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome

Love the life you live. Live the life you love.

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Love the life you live. Live the life you love.

We are all little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone...

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We are all little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone...

If the guy's a cutie you've got to tap that booty.

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If the guy's a cutie you've got to tap that booty.

Life is far too serious a thing to talk seriously about.

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Life is far too serious a thing to talk seriously about.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get

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The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

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If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

If each day is a gift, I would like to know where I can return...

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If each day is a gift, I would like to know where I can return...

The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

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The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

Never be ashamed of who you are.. Unless you're a hoe. Then be ashamed

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Never be ashamed of who you are.. Unless you're a hoe. Then be ashamed