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Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for.

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Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for.

Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of'em are...

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Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of'em are...

We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance

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We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance

Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be...

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Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be...

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at...

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at...

Thing is, hope's for sissies.

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Thing is, hope's for sissies.

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

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Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

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Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me

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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me

Im great in bed, I can sleep for days.

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Im great in bed, I can sleep for days.

I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" when opening up a door was created by...

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I'm pretty sure the whole

Dear Santa, yeah, I was naughty this year and it was worth it, you fat...

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Dear Santa, yeah, I was naughty this year and it was worth it, you fat...

Good news: The holidays are about family. Bad news: It has to be your own...

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Good news: The holidays are about family. Bad news: It has to be your own...

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.

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What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could...

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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could...

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot

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As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot

Every guy thinks every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy.. pshh, every girl's...

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Every guy thinks every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy.. pshh, every girl's...

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

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A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend.If she doesn't get jealous when someone has your...

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A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend.If she doesn't get jealous when someone has your...

Intelligence is the wife, imagination is the mistress, memory is the servant.

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Intelligence is the wife, imagination is the mistress, memory is the servant.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

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What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.