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I've found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes.

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I've found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes.

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you...

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Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you...

My friends praise me and make an ass of me, now my foes tell me...

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My friends praise me and make an ass of me, now my foes tell me...

He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've...

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He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've...

Nun: Sister Augustine belives in things that aren't real. House: I thought that was a...

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Nun: Sister Augustine belives in things that aren't real. House: I thought that was a...

Valentine's Day is coming up ? Oh Crap!- I forgot to get a girlfriend again.

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Valentine's Day is coming up ? Oh Crap!- I forgot to get a girlfriend again.

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

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They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

An old man: You're Dr. House, aren't you? House: Oh God, don´t tell we used...

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An old man: You're Dr. House, aren't you? House: Oh God, don´t tell we used...

It's funny how you can tell someone likes someone else, but you can't tell when...

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It's funny how you can tell someone likes someone else, but you can't tell when...

The world is a stage but the play is badly cast

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The world is a stage but the play is badly cast

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous...

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If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous...

A fool always finds one more fool to admire him

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A fool always finds one more fool to admire him

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Okay, we took off our clothes, I got on top of you.. How long 'til...

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Okay, we took off our clothes, I got on top of you.. How long 'til...

You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

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You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all...

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The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all...

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

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Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

If I had not gone into Monty Python, I probably would have stuck to my...

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If I had not gone into Monty Python, I probably would have stuck to my...

Friends joke with one another. Hey, you're poor. Hey, your momma's dead. That's what friends...

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Friends joke with one another. Hey, you're poor. Hey, your momma's dead. That's what friends...

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could...

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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could...

Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears.

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Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears.

Write in your heart that everyday is the best day in the year.

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Write in your heart that everyday is the best day in the year.