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I don't care what people think of me. At least mosquitos find me attractive.

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I don't care what people think of me. At least mosquitos find me attractive.

Friends joke with one another. Hey, you're poor. Hey, your momma's dead. That's what friends...

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Friends joke with one another. Hey, you're poor. Hey, your momma's dead. That's what friends...

Every guy thinks every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy.. pshh, every girl's...

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Every guy thinks every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy.. pshh, every girl's...

Do you have any books about making friends?

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Do you have any books about making friends?

A guy with a gun enters a bar. Who the fuck had sex with my...

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A guy with a gun enters a bar. Who the fuck had sex with my...

Stop thinking of fun and have it

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Stop thinking of fun and have it

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright, Until you hear them...

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Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright, Until you hear them...

Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day.

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Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day.

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best,...

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It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best,...

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is...

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The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

Good news: The holidays are about family. Bad news: It has to be your own...

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Good news: The holidays are about family. Bad news: It has to be your own...

Don't have sex, cause you will get pregnant and die.

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Don't have sex, cause you will get pregnant and die.

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

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They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

Laughing at your own mistake can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s mistakes can...

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Laughing at your own mistake can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s mistakes can...

I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

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I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

Genius is one percent inspiration, two percent perspiration, and ninety seven percent Tesla

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Genius is one percent inspiration, two percent perspiration, and ninety seven percent Tesla

Gravity is not responsible for people falling in love.

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Gravity is not responsible for people falling in love.

Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.

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Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.

When you focus on problems you will have more problems. When you focus on possibilities...

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When you focus on problems you will have more problems. When you focus on possibilities...