A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are

Quote by Chauncey Mitchell Depew

Topics: Funny Quotes

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

I remember being handed a score composed by Mozart at the age of eleven. What...

I remember being handed a score composed by Mozart at the age of eleven. What...

Whenever the talk turns to age, I say I am 49 plus VAT.

Whenever the talk turns to age, I say I am 49 plus VAT.

Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.

Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.

I'd rather be called 'Sleazy' than to be identified as intelligent.

I'd rather be called 'Sleazy' than to be identified as intelligent.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going...

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going...

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games...

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games...

Good taste and humour...are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.

Good taste and humour...are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...

I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words...

I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words...

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a...

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a...

It may be true that you can't fool all the people all the time, but...

It may be true that you can't fool all the people all the time, but...

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back...

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back...

What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.

What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.

The sun is gonna rise tommorrow.

The sun is gonna rise tommorrow.

When I was young, I said to God, 'God, tell me the mystery of the...

When I was young, I said to God, 'God, tell me the mystery of the...