I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.

Topics: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes

I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.

I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.

It's awful knowing that one seventh of our life will be wasted on Mondays.

It's awful knowing that one seventh of our life will be wasted on Mondays.

[Reporter: How did you find America?] We turned left at Greenland.

[Reporter: How did you find America?] We turned left at Greenland.

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by...

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by...

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for...

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for...

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you...

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you...

Age is like love, it cannot be hid.

Age is like love, it cannot be hid.

I've risen from the dead. Though sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I...

I've risen from the dead. Though sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I...

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I used to keep my college room mate from reading my personal mail by hiding...

I used to keep my college room mate from reading my personal mail by hiding...

At the gym Boy doing sit-ups: '1...2...3...' Hot girl walks by Boy: '97...98...99...'

At the gym Boy doing sit-ups: '1...2...3...' Hot girl walks by Boy: '97...98...99...'

Man has will, but woman has her way.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Youth is a blunder; manhood a struggle; old age a regret.

Youth is a blunder; manhood a struggle; old age a regret.

Classical music is the kind that we keep hoping will turn into a tune.

Classical music is the kind that we keep hoping will turn into a tune.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always...

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always...

Everyone knows that by far the happiest and universally enjoyable age of man is the...

Everyone knows that by far the happiest and universally enjoyable age of man is the...

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to...

Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to...

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.

Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.