Quotes by Daniel Tosh

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well...

#Daniel Tosh

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home...

#Daniel Tosh

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

#Daniel Tosh

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

#Daniel Tosh

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

#Daniel Tosh

If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.

#Daniel Tosh

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

#Husbands

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

#Daniel Tosh

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would...

#Daniel Tosh

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb......

#Daniel Tosh

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't...

#Daniel Tosh

In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television...

#Daniel Tosh