The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

Quote by Daniel Tosh

Topics: Daniel Tosh Quotes

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb......

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb......

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases...

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases...

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to...

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to...

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or...

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or...

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I...

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I...

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think...

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think...

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer,...

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer,...

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.

If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't...

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't...

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he...

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he...

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I...

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I...

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make...

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make...