Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

Quote by Daniel Tosh

Topics: Daniel Tosh Quotes

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well...

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well...

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or...

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or...

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO...

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO...

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb......

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb......

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home...

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home...

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would...

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would...

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases...

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases...

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make...

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make...

In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television...

In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television...

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is...

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is...

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.

If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.