Zombies are looking for brains. Don't worry. You're safe.

Topics: Funny Quotes, Insults Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Witty Quotes

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly...

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly...

I'm not really a good singer. But most people aren't, either.

I'm not really a good singer. But most people aren't, either.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

If you think Independence Day is Americas defining holiday, think again. Thanksgiving deserves that title,...

If you think Independence Day is Americas defining holiday, think again. Thanksgiving deserves that title,...

You cant get too much winter in the winter.

You cant get too much winter in the winter.

Teenage boys, goaded by their surging hormones run in packs like the primal horde. They...

Teenage boys, goaded by their surging hormones run in packs like the primal horde. They...

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you...

You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you...

Always remember this: 'A kiss will never miss, and after many kisses a miss becomes...

Always remember this: 'A kiss will never miss, and after many kisses a miss becomes...

That awkward moment when you come home from school, look in the mirror and are...

That awkward moment when you come home from school, look in the mirror and are...

I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.

I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.

Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be...

Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be...

If Google can't find the answer, it's not a question.

If Google can't find the answer, it's not a question.

When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important...

When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important...

I think I don't regret a single 'excess' of my responsive youth-I only regret, in...

I think I don't regret a single 'excess' of my responsive youth-I only regret, in...

Before anything else, preparation is the key to success.

Before anything else, preparation is the key to success.

I never drink coffee at work...mainly because it keeps me awake.

I never drink coffee at work...mainly because it keeps me awake.

I know of nothing more laughable than a doctor who does not die of old...

I know of nothing more laughable than a doctor who does not die of old...

Women only have trouble parking because we are constantly lied to about what 8 inches...

Women only have trouble parking because we are constantly lied to about what 8 inches...

The way to procure insults is to submit to them: a man meets with no...

The way to procure insults is to submit to them: a man meets with no...

To be insulted by you is to be garlanded with lilies

To be insulted by you is to be garlanded with lilies

If you miss 100% of the shots you don't take and 100% of the shots...

If you miss 100% of the shots you don't take and 100% of the shots...

No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more than she...

No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more than she...