Zombies are looking for brains. Don't worry. You're safe.

Topics: Funny Quotes, Insults Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Witty Quotes

I'm affectionately known by Elton John as either Sylvia Disc or the Bionic Christian.

I'm affectionately known by Elton John as either Sylvia Disc or the Bionic Christian.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried...

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried...

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day...

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day...

Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What...

Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What...

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to...

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to...

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse.

There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse.

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he...

You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he...

Im a musician first, a food-lover second, a dirty mouth with feet, and a girl...

Im a musician first, a food-lover second, a dirty mouth with feet, and a girl...

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be...

Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be...

Those who do not study are only cattle dressed up in mens clothes.

Those who do not study are only cattle dressed up in mens clothes.

Women only have trouble parking because we are constantly lied to about what 8 inches...

Women only have trouble parking because we are constantly lied to about what 8 inches...

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a...

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a...

I am kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me...

I am kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me...

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell...

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell...

One insult pocketed soon produces another

One insult pocketed soon produces another

There are two insults no human being will endure: that he has no sense of...

There are two insults no human being will endure: that he has no sense of...

I hate it when the cashier's ask, 'Is that everything?' Uhh, no. I'd also like...

I hate it when the cashier's ask, 'Is that everything?' Uhh, no. I'd also like...

Judges ought to be more leaned than witty, more reverent than plausible, and more advised...

Judges ought to be more leaned than witty, more reverent than plausible, and more advised...