This New Years, I'm going to party like Maury just told me I'm not the father!

Topics: Funny Quotes, New Year Quotes

The less you know, the sounder you sleep.

The less you know, the sounder you sleep.

Let us be lazy in everything, except in loving and drinking, except in being lazy.

Let us be lazy in everything, except in loving and drinking, except in being lazy.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold...

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold...

Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he...

Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he...

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going...

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going...

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have...

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have...

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is...

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is...

Television has raised writing to a new low.

Television has raised writing to a new low.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back...

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back...

Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale Her infinite variety, other women cloy.

Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale Her infinite variety, other women cloy.

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair...

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair...

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten...

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten...

There has never been an age that did not applaud the past and lament the...

There has never been an age that did not applaud the past and lament the...

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...

The path of least resistance is the path of the loser.

The path of least resistance is the path of the loser.

You've heard of the three ages of man - youth, age, and you are looking...

You've heard of the three ages of man - youth, age, and you are looking...

Dear God, my prayer for 2012 is a fat bank account and a thin body....

Dear God, my prayer for 2012 is a fat bank account and a thin body....

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words...

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words...