This New Years, I'm going to party like Maury just told me I'm not the father!

Topics: Funny Quotes, New Year Quotes

I dont like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.

I dont like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, You can't fire me - I quit

Suicide is man's way of telling God, You can't fire me - I quit

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose...

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose...

Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others...

Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others...

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

Sex is the best high. It's better than any drug. I want to die making...

Sex is the best high. It's better than any drug. I want to die making...

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef...

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef...

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what...

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what...

Never praise a sister to a sister in the hope of your compliments reaching the...

Never praise a sister to a sister in the hope of your compliments reaching the...

Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are...

Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are...

I think, therefore I am. I'm pink, therefore Im spam.

I think, therefore I am. I'm pink, therefore Im spam.

Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.

Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked...

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked...

I am about to go Tebow on my Monday.

I am about to go Tebow on my Monday.

If opinions are like assholes, then a lot of opinions wear Ed Hardy shirts.

If opinions are like assholes, then a lot of opinions wear Ed Hardy shirts.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried...

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried...

Happiness is too many things these days for anyone lo wish il on anyone lightly....

Happiness is too many things these days for anyone lo wish il on anyone lightly....

No one ever regarded the First of January with indifference. It is that from which...

No one ever regarded the First of January with indifference. It is that from which...