This New Years, I'm going to party like Maury just told me I'm not the father!
New Year Quotes
When I exercise, I wear all black. It's like a funeral for my fat.
That sign of old age, extolling the past at the expense of the present.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course...
I don't get why gyms have mirrors...I know what I look like. That's why I'm...
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my...
Congrats to LeBron James on his recent engagement and to his fiance who now leads...
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by...
Never swap horses crossing a stream
Every age has a kind of universal genius, which includes those that live in it...
If you're not going to tell me your secret, don't tell me you have one.
In youth we run into difficulties. In old age difficulties run into us.
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following...
Compatible: Your money fits in the salesperson's wallet.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want...
Age is like love, it cannot be hid.
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading.
Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each...
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays...