This New Years, I'm going to party like Maury just told me I'm not the father!

Topics: Funny Quotes, New Year Quotes

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline -...

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline -...

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to...

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to...

Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always...

Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always...

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did...

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did...

Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are written down...

Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are written down...

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the...

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the...

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned...

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned...

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would...

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would...

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in...

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in...

I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is...

I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is...

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember...

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember...

Martyrdom is the only way a man can become famous without ability.

Martyrdom is the only way a man can become famous without ability.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if...

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if...

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to...

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to...

Another fresh new year is here... Another year to live! To banish worry, doubt, and...

Another fresh new year is here... Another year to live! To banish worry, doubt, and...