This New Years, I'm going to party like Maury just told me I'm not the father!

Topics: Funny Quotes, New Year Quotes

Most fools think they are only ignorant.

Most fools think they are only ignorant.

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call...

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call...

I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can...

I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can...

I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind.

I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind.

Most of the time when people laugh at me...I'm not trying to be funny.

Most of the time when people laugh at me...I'm not trying to be funny.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the...

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the...

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller',...

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller',...

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the...

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the...

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I...

Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be...

Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be...

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, sings.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, sings.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The...

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The...

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

If you dont know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

If you dont know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the...

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the...

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

It is probable that there is no one thing that it is of eminent importance...

It is probable that there is no one thing that it is of eminent importance...

New Year's eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march...

New Year's eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march...

Each age has deemed the new-born year. The fittest time for festal cheer

Each age has deemed the new-born year. The fittest time for festal cheer