Of course I can keep a secret. Its the people I tell it to who cant.
You might as well just move onto a boat because you're always fishing for compliments.
Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to...
Your services might be as useful as a barbershop on the steps of a guillotine.
Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.
I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't...
Oh you have swag? I bet that looks great on a resume...
I hate it when the cashier's ask, 'Is that everything?' Uhh, no. I'd also like...
Sarcasm: Because screaming at you about how dumb you are and taking a brick and...
I love you and it's getting worse.
Love is a minefield. You take a step and get blown to pieces put yourself...
A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.
Zombies are looking for brains. Don't worry. You're safe.
Oh, you're dating my ex...I thought the five second rule was for food only...
Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.
I wasn't aware that answering my mom's question was considered talking back.
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the...
If you miss 100% of the shots you don't take and 100% of the shots...
The only secret knowledge we have is know-how and you can't break up know-how by...
The great secret that all old people share is that you really haven't changed in...
Creating nickname for your crush, that only you and your friends know.
Trusting too much to others' care is the ruin of many