Of course I can keep a secret. Its the people I tell it to who cant.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
I love you and it's getting worse.
Oh, you're dating my ex...I thought the five second rule was for food only...
Oh you have swag? I bet that looks great on a resume...
Be nice to everyone on your way to the top because you pass them all...
Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.
If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend...
A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the...
Sarcasm: Because screaming at you about how dumb you are and taking a brick and...
Your services might be as useful as a barbershop on the steps of a guillotine.
If you miss 100% of the shots you don't take and 100% of the shots...
I hate it when the cashier's ask, 'Is that everything?' Uhh, no. I'd also like...
You might as well just move onto a boat because you're always fishing for compliments.
Having a sarcastic conversation with yourself when people are ignoring you.
I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull...
That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.
I'm not good at secrets, so don't tell me any.
No one keeps a secret so well as a child
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows. Here is the root of the root and...
Just because someone looks good doesn’t mean that they should be respected and trusted.