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Zombies are looking for brains. Don't worry. You're safe.

Zombies are looking for brains. Don't worry. You're safe.

I hate it when the cashier's ask, 'Is that everything?' Uhh, no. I'd also like...

I hate it when the cashier's ask, 'Is that everything?' Uhh, no. I'd also like...

Oh you have swag? I bet that looks great on a resume...

Oh you have swag? I bet that looks great on a resume...

Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.

Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.

I love you and it's getting worse.

I love you and it's getting worse.

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

If you miss 100% of the shots you don't take and 100% of the shots...

If you miss 100% of the shots you don't take and 100% of the shots...

Be nice to everyone on your way to the top because you pass them all...

Be nice to everyone on your way to the top because you pass them all...

Oh, you're dating my ex...I thought the five second rule was for food only...

Oh, you're dating my ex...I thought the five second rule was for food only...

Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to...

Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to...

If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend...

If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend...

You might as well just move onto a boat because you're always fishing for compliments.

You might as well just move onto a boat because you're always fishing for compliments.

I wasn't aware that answering my mom's question was considered talking back.

I wasn't aware that answering my mom's question was considered talking back.

That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.

That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.

Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Sarcasm: Because screaming at you about how dumb you are and taking a brick and...

Sarcasm: Because screaming at you about how dumb you are and taking a brick and...

I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't...

I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't...

The real secret of success is enthusiasm.

The real secret of success is enthusiasm.

I'm afraid I'm not sufficiently inhibited about the things that other women are inhibited about...

I'm afraid I'm not sufficiently inhibited about the things that other women are inhibited about...

No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed to an uncharted land...

No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed to an uncharted land...

No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it...

No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it...