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The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you...

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you...

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel....

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel....

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it,...

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it,...

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's...

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's...

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in...

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in...

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is...

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is...

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year...

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year...

I know God is real. I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

I know God is real. I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're...

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're...

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming...

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming...

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of...

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of...

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and...

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and...

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than...

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than...

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they...

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they...

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

Old wine and friends improve with age.

Old wine and friends improve with age.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be...

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be...

Marriage is the golden ring in a chain whose beginning is a glance and whose...

Marriage is the golden ring in a chain whose beginning is a glance and whose...