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I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year...

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year...

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to...

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to...

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of...

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of...

I know God is real. I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

I know God is real. I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it,...

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it,...

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they...

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they...

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and...

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and...

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to...

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to...

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming...

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming...

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't...

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't...

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel....

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel....

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're...

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're...

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is...

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is...

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.