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If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you...

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you...

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they...

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they...

There's no down time any more.

There's no down time any more.

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't...

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't...

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to...

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to...

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls...

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls...

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming...

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming...

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's...

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's...

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're...

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're...

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked...

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked...

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any...

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any...

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of...

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of...

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not...

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not...

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year...

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year...

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than...

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than...

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it,...

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it,...