Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

Quote by Bill Maher

Topics: Bill Maher Quotes

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says...

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says...

Suicide is man's way of telling God, You can't fire me - I quit.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, You can't fire me - I quit.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he...

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he...

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

It's all been satirized for your protection.

It's all been satirized for your protection.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free...

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free...

Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.

Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the...

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the...

Men are only as loyal as their options

Men are only as loyal as their options

When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. Thats something I...

When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. Thats something I...

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or...

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or...

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please,...

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please,...

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.

My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I...

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I...

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I...

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I...

Whoever in prayer can say, Our Father, acknowledges and should feel the brotherhood of the...

Whoever in prayer can say, Our Father, acknowledges and should feel the brotherhood of the...

My father, now in heaven, is a keeper of the birds. And his eye is...

My father, now in heaven, is a keeper of the birds. And his eye is...

The destiny of any nation at any given time depends on the opinions of its...

The destiny of any nation at any given time depends on the opinions of its...