I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.

Quote by Larry David

Topics: Larry David Quotes

If you tell the truth about how youre feeling, it becomes funny.

If you tell the truth about how youre feeling, it becomes funny.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that...

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that...

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that...

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that...

It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with...

It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with...

You write about what you know.

You write about what you know.

I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for...

The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for...

Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.

Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.

Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to...

Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to...

In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three...

In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three...

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't...

It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't...

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home...

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home...

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to...

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to...

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become...

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become...

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline...

Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline...

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Women love a self-confident bald man.