I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

Quote by Garry Shandling

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot...

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot...

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some...

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some...

I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has...

I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has...

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because...

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because...

I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up...

I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up...

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some...

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some...

The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something...

The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something...

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet....

Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet....

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you...

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you...

Im too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I...

Im too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I...

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night...

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night...

You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts...

You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts...

I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest.

I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest.

I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.

I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life,...

I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life,...

Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.

Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.