I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

Quote by Garry Shandling

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some...

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some...

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81.

The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something...

The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something...

I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.

I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.

I've never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And...

I've never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And...

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some...

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some...

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you...

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you...

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because...

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because...

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night...

I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night...

Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.

Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot...

I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot...

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry...

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry...

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I...

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I...

You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts...

You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts...

Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their...

Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their...

But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me...

But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me...

I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life,...

I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life,...