I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

Quote by Garry Shandling

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts...

You know it's funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts...

I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up...

I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up...

I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest.

I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest.

I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.

I think I look great in green, and I'm going to start wearing more green.

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you...

It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you...

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

I'm not a party guy. I don't carouse very much.

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some...

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some...

But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me...

But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me...

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has...

I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has...

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because...

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because...

I've never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And...

I've never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And...

The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something...

The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something...

Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their...

Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their...

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some...

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some...

I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe...

I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe...

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

Boys suck! Just confirmation that I'd rather be alone!

Boys suck! Just confirmation that I'd rather be alone!

Everybody thinks they'll never get married at your age. You think you can go on...

Everybody thinks they'll never get married at your age. You think you can go on...