I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and…

Quote by Jack Handy

Topics: Animals Quotes

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I...

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I...

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder...

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of...

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden...

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden...

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the...

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the...

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around...

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around...

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole...

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you...

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because,...

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because,...

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,...

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,...

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I...

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell...

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell...

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But...

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

The most cowardly thing in the world is blaming mistakes upon the umpires. Too many...

The most cowardly thing in the world is blaming mistakes upon the umpires. Too many...

Strength is Happiness. Strength is itself victory. In weakness and cowardice there is no happiness....

Strength is Happiness. Strength is itself victory. In weakness and cowardice there is no happiness....

What is objectionable, what is dangerous, about extremists is not that they are extreme, but...

What is objectionable, what is dangerous, about extremists is not that they are extreme, but...