I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and…

Quote by Jack Handy

Topics: Animals Quotes

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND....

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND....

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And...

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And...

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much...

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran...

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran...

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because,...

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because,...

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers...

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of...

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around...

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around...

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black...

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black...

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into...

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into...

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But...

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But...

It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes,...

It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes,...

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,...

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,...

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his...

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his...

Always try to rub up against money, for if you rub up against money long...

Always try to rub up against money, for if you rub up against money long...

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

You must spend money to make money

You must spend money to make money