I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

Quote by Jack Handy

Topics: Money Quotes

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around...

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around...

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've...

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've...

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into...

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,...

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,...

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,...

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,...

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black...

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black...

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden...

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his...

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his...

I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck,...

I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck,...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you...

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you...

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed...

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed...

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached...

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached...

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you...

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you...

A friend drops their plans when you're in trouble, shares joy in your accomplishments, feels...

A friend drops their plans when you're in trouble, shares joy in your accomplishments, feels...

To say 'I love you' one must first be able to say the 'I.'

To say 'I love you' one must first be able to say the 'I.'

Pure love and suspicion cannot dwell together: at the door where the latter enters, the...

Pure love and suspicion cannot dwell together: at the door where the latter enters, the...