How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

Topics: Funny Quotes, Girlfriend Quotes

Ive come to the conclusion that Mondays last 50% longer than the other days...each.

Ive come to the conclusion that Mondays last 50% longer than the other days...each.

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.

I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is...

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is...

It is easy to become a monk in one's old age.

It is easy to become a monk in one's old age.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.

Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but...

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but...

When your bank account is so overdrawn that it is positively photographic, steps must be...

When your bank account is so overdrawn that it is positively photographic, steps must be...

The things which the child loves remain in the domain of the heart until old...

The things which the child loves remain in the domain of the heart until old...

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look...

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look...

Age is honourable and youth is noble.

Age is honourable and youth is noble.

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.

It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.

I think, therefore I am. I'm pink, therefore Im spam.

I think, therefore I am. I'm pink, therefore Im spam.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She...

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She...

No matter how many times I say I hate you, just remember you're really the...

No matter how many times I say I hate you, just remember you're really the...

Just called the police on my girlfriend. She hasn't committed a crime, I just want...

Just called the police on my girlfriend. She hasn't committed a crime, I just want...