Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.
Quote by Marsha Warfield
My friend has a baby, I am recording all the noises he makes so I...
Better pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than...
Almost everyone has or will experience getting dumped in their lifetime. Unless, of course, you're...
I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old...
Monday is a dreadful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
The sun is gonna rise tommorrow.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any
My next breakup line 'Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, you.'
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
For age is opportunity no less than youth itself, though in another dress, and as...
Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
One can always tell it's summer when one sees school teachers hanging about the streets...
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for...
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks...
Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm...
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little...
Love is not complicated, poeple are...