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I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.

I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.

More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky,...

More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky,...

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it...

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it...

Graduation Speech: I'd like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy &...

Graduation Speech: I'd like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy &...

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his...

No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with...

No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with...

What could be more beautiful than a dear old lady growing wise with age? Every...

What could be more beautiful than a dear old lady growing wise with age? Every...

When I'm bored I send a text to a random number saying 'I hid the...

When I'm bored I send a text to a random number saying 'I hid the...

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...

My boyfriend's name is sleep and I get some every night.

My boyfriend's name is sleep and I get some every night.

Im convinced that God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did...

Im convinced that God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did...

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove...

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove...

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

Sometimes when my internet is down I forget the rest of my computer still works....

Sometimes when my internet is down I forget the rest of my computer still works....

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from...

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from...

I'm a controversial figure: my friends either dislike me or hate me.

I'm a controversial figure: my friends either dislike me or hate me.

Men do not fight for flag or country, for the Marine Corps or glory or...

Men do not fight for flag or country, for the Marine Corps or glory or...

If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real...

If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real...

God gave me my money. I believe the power to make money is a gift...

God gave me my money. I believe the power to make money is a gift...