And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next…

Quote by Sarah Silverman

Topics: Sarah Silverman Quotes

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion....

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion....

SS: Jesus is Magic.

SS: Jesus is Magic.

They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.

They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's...

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's...

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people...

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people...

That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive.

That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as...

It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as...

Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of...

Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of...

This is crazy Donald. When I see the prices at the mall, I just want...

This is crazy Donald. When I see the prices at the mall, I just want...

You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about...

You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about...

I say 'I'm sorry.' It usually disarms them.

I say 'I'm sorry.' It usually disarms them.

The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.

The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured...

By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured...

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to...

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to...

I really think everything is fair game.

I really think everything is fair game.

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.