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Dear Santa, yeah, I was naughty this year and it was worth it, you fat...

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Dear Santa, yeah, I was naughty this year and it was worth it, you fat...

You know someone is your true friend if you tell a secret and the next...

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You know someone is your true friend if you tell a secret and the next...

What I think when someone uses the computer What the hell are you doing Why...

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What I think when someone uses the computer What the hell are you doing Why...

The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

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The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

Girls who love football are not weird. They're a rare gift from God. Those girls...

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Girls who love football are not weird. They're a rare gift from God. Those girls...

The day I stop loving you is the day Lady Gaga decides to wear normal...

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The day I stop loving you is the day Lady Gaga decides to wear normal...

All I want for Christmas is Money.

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All I want for Christmas is Money.

I want your ugly I want your disease I want your love love I want...

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I want your ugly I want your disease I want your love love I want...

The lovely thing about being forty is that you can appreciate twenty-five-year-old men

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The lovely thing about being forty is that you can appreciate twenty-five-year-old men

Medicine prolongs life but death will seize the doctor too

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Medicine prolongs life but death will seize the doctor too

Age is something that doesn't matter unless you're a cheese.

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Age is something that doesn't matter unless you're a cheese.

Strangers think I'm quiet. My friends think I'm out-going. My bestfriends know that I'm completely...

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Strangers think I'm quiet. My friends think I'm out-going. My bestfriends know that I'm completely...

At supervillain college, crazy laughter is probably a two-semester course

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At supervillain college, crazy laughter is probably a two-semester course

You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

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You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work...

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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work...

Friends joke with one another. Hey, you're poor. Hey, your momma's dead. That's what friends...

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Friends joke with one another. Hey, you're poor. Hey, your momma's dead. That's what friends...

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world . I know because I've...

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Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world . I know because I've...

All right, you guys, just permit me one sentimental moment here. I have something to...

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All right, you guys, just permit me one sentimental moment here. I have something to...

Quiet people have the loudest mind

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Quiet people have the loudest mind

I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live.

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I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live.

The quieter you become, the more you hear.

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The quieter you become, the more you hear.

Don't be afraid to be wrong. Don't be too proud to be wrong, because, you...

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Don't be afraid to be wrong. Don't be too proud to be wrong, because, you...