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Thing is, hope's for sissies.

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Thing is, hope's for sissies.

There is a reason it's called "Girls gone wild" and NOT "Women gone wild". When...

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There is a reason it's called

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. No one showed...

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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. No one showed...

The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

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The paradox of our time in history We have bigger houses and smaller families; more...

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Always have a friend with you on Christmas... who can take you back home when...

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Always have a friend with you on Christmas... who can take you back home when...

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better...

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Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better...

At supervillain college, crazy laughter is probably a two-semester course

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At supervillain college, crazy laughter is probably a two-semester course

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at...

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at...

Normal people scare me but not as much as I scare them.

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Normal people scare me but not as much as I scare them.

Joy, you have to start drinking again. Like life, you are very hard to take...

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Joy, you have to start drinking again. Like life, you are very hard to take...

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a...

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Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a...

The PERFECT boyfriend doesn't DRINK, doesn't SMOKE, doesn't CHEAT and doesn't EXIST

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The PERFECT boyfriend doesn't DRINK, doesn't SMOKE, doesn't CHEAT and doesn't EXIST

You know we're good friends when I no longer feel the need to clean up...

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You know we're good friends when I no longer feel the need to clean up...

Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels

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Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

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Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

A lot of times when a package says 'Open other end', I purposely open the...

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A lot of times when a package says 'Open other end', I purposely open the...

Murphy's Law : Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself

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Murphy's Law : Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself

Kiss me and you will see stars. Love me and I'll give them to you

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Kiss me and you will see stars. Love me and I'll give them to you

You will have every kind of kiss in every kind of way in every possible...

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You will have every kind of kiss in every kind of way in every possible...

A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she...

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A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she...

Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours

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Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours