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In love, somehow, a man’s heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting...

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In love, somehow, a man’s heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting...

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say...

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A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say...

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

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Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If I had not gone into Monty Python, I probably would have stuck to my...

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If I had not gone into Monty Python, I probably would have stuck to my...

The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

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The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

You know we're good friends when I no longer feel the need to clean up...

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You know we're good friends when I no longer feel the need to clean up...

All I want for Christmas is Money.

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All I want for Christmas is Money.

Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

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Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree, in the eyes of children, they...

New Year's Resolutions This year I resolve to be more democratic and I've made a...

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New Year's Resolutions This year I resolve to be more democratic and I've made a...

Medicine prolongs life but death will seize the doctor too

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Medicine prolongs life but death will seize the doctor too

You know someone is your true friend if you tell a secret and the next...

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You know someone is your true friend if you tell a secret and the next...

Is that Vicondin? Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me

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Is that Vicondin? Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me

If each day is a gift, I would like to know where I can return...

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If each day is a gift, I would like to know where I can return...

We go together like copy and paste

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We go together like copy and paste

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

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If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

When life knocks you down, roll over, and look at the stars.

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When life knocks you down, roll over, and look at the stars.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal. but it gets boring so I go back to...

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Sometimes I pretend to be normal. but it gets boring so I go back to...

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best,...

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It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best,...

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is...

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Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is...

A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A man doesn't realize that to a woman the little things are just as important...

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A man doesn't realize that to a woman the little things are just as important...

It's amazing how one person can make your day absolutely perfect

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It's amazing how one person can make your day absolutely perfect

You're going to have haters and you're going to have lovers.

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You're going to have haters and you're going to have lovers.