If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron! and started…

Quote by Jack Handy

Topics: Drink Quotes

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,...

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I...

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I...

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've...

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've...

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And...

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And...

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his...

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his...

I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so...

I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

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It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes,...

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Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,...

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and...

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you...

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you...

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed...

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed...

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But...

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But...

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell...

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell...

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the...

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the...

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much...

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much...

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to...

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to...

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's...

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's...