when life gives you lemons make orange juice and leave them wondering how you did it
I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't...
In every age 'the good old days' were a myth. No one ever thought they...
The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my...
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all...
Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.
They speak of my drinking, but never think of my thirst.
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?
I saw a notice that said Drink Canada Dry and I've just started.
We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap...
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
When our memories outweigh our dreams, we have grown old.
No One Diets on Thanksgiving. What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set...
Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned...
A great many things have been pronounced untrue and absurd, and even impossible, by the...
Mathematics is the art of giving the same name to different things.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.