when life gives you lemons make orange juice and leave them wondering how you did it
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well...
I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.
To many people holidays are not voyages of discovery, but a ritual of reassurance.
The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.'
You know, Hobbes, some days even my rocketship underpants dont help.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by.
Why is Monday so far from Friday but Friday so close to Monday?
I find it hard living in a day and age where people are unwilling to...
If you think Independence Day is Americas defining holiday, think again. Thanksgiving deserves that title,...
My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.
Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs,...
Study is the bane of childhood, the oil of youth, the indulgence of adulthood, and...
It is not well to make great changes in old age.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you...
A woman has the age she deserves.
Old age, especially an honoured old age, has so great authority, that this is of...
Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who...
People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I...