Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember...
Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week.
Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be...
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the...
As I give thought to the matter, I find four causes for the apparent misery...
If you dont know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that...
We've put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy...
NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck...
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, sings.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....
Hey Max...ITS THE LEANING TOWER OF CHEESE-AH!!!
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving...
[Reporter: How did you find America?] We turned left at Greenland.
A sister can give you the best advise youve ever heard even if she doesnt...
Sister to sister we will always be, a couple of nuts off the family tree.