Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

Quote by Daniel Tosh

Topics: Daniel Tosh Quotes

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or...

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or...

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well...

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well...

In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television...

In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television...

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would...

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would...

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make...

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make...

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home...

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home...

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think...

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think...

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases...

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases...

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't...

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't...

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code...

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code...

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer,...

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer,...

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO...

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO...

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to...

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to...

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is...

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is...