My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

Quote by Daniel Tosh

Topics: Daniel Tosh Quotes

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would...

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would...

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few...

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to...

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to...

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make...

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make...

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think...

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think...

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well...

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well...

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or...

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or...

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home...

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home...

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases...

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases...

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I...

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I...

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like...

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like...

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer,...

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer,...

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't...

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't...