Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband.

Quote by John Parrott

Topics: Funny Quotes, Putdowns Quotes

He was a happy-go-lucky man, always played with a smile on his face and never...

He was a happy-go-lucky man, always played with a smile on his face and never...

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you...

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you...

I will never give in to old age until I become old.

I will never give in to old age until I become old.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Old age has the last word: the purely naturalistic look at life, however enthusiastically it...

Old age has the last word: the purely naturalistic look at life, however enthusiastically it...

Over the past 50 years Bob Hope employed 88 joke writers who supplied him with...

Over the past 50 years Bob Hope employed 88 joke writers who supplied him with...

It is probable that there is no one thing that it is of eminent importance...

It is probable that there is no one thing that it is of eminent importance...

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy...

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy...

I would there were no age between ten and three-and-twenty, or that youth would sleep...

I would there were no age between ten and three-and-twenty, or that youth would sleep...

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and...

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and...

You can construct the character of a man and his age not only from what...

You can construct the character of a man and his age not only from what...

I finally moved out of my parents' house. It was only fair to let my...

I finally moved out of my parents' house. It was only fair to let my...

Saying I don't take my meds because they make me feel funny. Is like cannibals...

Saying I don't take my meds because they make me feel funny. Is like cannibals...

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.

The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.

The most minor gifts and not a very high class way to earn a living....

The most minor gifts and not a very high class way to earn a living....

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by...

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by...

Anything you cannot relinquish when it has outlived its usefulness possesses you, and in this...

Anything you cannot relinquish when it has outlived its usefulness possesses you, and in this...

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for...

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for...

Robert Redford used to be such a handsome man and now look at him: everything...

Robert Redford used to be such a handsome man and now look at him: everything...