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If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you...

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you...

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a...

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a...

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they...

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they...

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of...

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of...

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't...

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't...

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any...

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any...

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little...

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little...

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip...

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip...

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel....

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel....

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls...

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls...

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is...

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is...

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up...

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up...

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't...

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't...

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half...

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half...

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from...

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from...

May my heart be your shelter, and my arms be your home.

May my heart be your shelter, and my arms be your home.