I do 5 sit-ups every morning. May not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button...

Topics: Funny Quotes, Good Morning Quotes, Sleep Quotes

I always wait for the Times each morning. I look at the obituary column and...

I always wait for the Times each morning. I look at the obituary column and...

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized...

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized...

There's no such thing as old age, there is only sorrow.

There's no such thing as old age, there is only sorrow.

The greatest problem about old age is the fear that it may go on too...

The greatest problem about old age is the fear that it may go on too...

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She...

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She...

[Reporter: How did you find America?] We turned left at Greenland.

[Reporter: How did you find America?] We turned left at Greenland.

I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my...

I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my...

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Age is not important unless you're a cheese.

Age is not important unless you're a cheese.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of...

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of...

I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what...

I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what...

Give me a laundry list and I'll set it to music.

Give me a laundry list and I'll set it to music.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.

That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.

I could be in another country but if someone is waiting on me and they...

I could be in another country but if someone is waiting on me and they...

Shout out to all the people born in 1928 celebrating their 21st birthday! Happy Leap...

Shout out to all the people born in 1928 celebrating their 21st birthday! Happy Leap...

Youth is full of sport, age's breath is short; youth is nimble, age is lame;...

Youth is full of sport, age's breath is short; youth is nimble, age is lame;...

My breath is offensive to my wife; I am loathsome to my own brothers.

My breath is offensive to my wife; I am loathsome to my own brothers.

Wake up everyday stronger than yesterday, face your fears and wipe your tears.

Wake up everyday stronger than yesterday, face your fears and wipe your tears.

A wise woman once said that every morning when you wake up you say a...

A wise woman once said that every morning when you wake up you say a...

Sleep is when all the unsorted stuff comes flying out as from a dustbin upset...

Sleep is when all the unsorted stuff comes flying out as from a dustbin upset...