I do 5 sit-ups every morning. May not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button...

Topics: Funny Quotes, Good Morning Quotes, Sleep Quotes

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the...

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the...

Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.

Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.

Everyone knows that by far the happiest and universally enjoyable age of man is the...

Everyone knows that by far the happiest and universally enjoyable age of man is the...

Lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing

Lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing

More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky,...

More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky,...

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and youre getting your ass...

When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and youre getting your ass...

Age steals away all things, even the mind.

Age steals away all things, even the mind.

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a...

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a...

Hand wash only = 'Machine wash, gentle cycle.'

Hand wash only = 'Machine wash, gentle cycle.'

Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare...

Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare...

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

I finally moved out of my parents' house. It was only fair to let my...

I finally moved out of my parents' house. It was only fair to let my...

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold...

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold...

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.

My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex ever. Now that...

My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex ever. Now that...

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Age, I do abhor thee, youth, I do adore thee.

Age, I do abhor thee, youth, I do adore thee.

Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.

Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.

When late morning rolls around and you're feeling a bit out of sorts, don't worry;...

When late morning rolls around and you're feeling a bit out of sorts, don't worry;...

That FML moment when; you hop into bed, get under your covers, then realized you...

That FML moment when; you hop into bed, get under your covers, then realized you...