I do 5 sit-ups every morning. May not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button...

Topics: Funny Quotes, Good Morning Quotes, Sleep Quotes

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef...

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef...

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but...

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but...

Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old...

Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old...

When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't...

When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't...

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a...

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a...

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.

Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her

Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never...

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never...

Mosquitos remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as...

Mosquitos remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as...

You know what else is better than I thought it'd be?....Your sister....HaHaHaHa!!!

You know what else is better than I thought it'd be?....Your sister....HaHaHaHa!!!

Im convinced that God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did...

Im convinced that God gave us Mondays to punish us for the things we did...

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is...

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is...

Doth not the appetite alter? A man loves the meat in his youth that he...

Doth not the appetite alter? A man loves the meat in his youth that he...

My breath is offensive to my wife; I am loathsome to my own brothers.

My breath is offensive to my wife; I am loathsome to my own brothers.

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when...

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when...

The fact that poetry is not of the slightest economic or political importance, that is...

The fact that poetry is not of the slightest economic or political importance, that is...

When our memories outweigh our dreams, we have grown old.

When our memories outweigh our dreams, we have grown old.

A smile is a way of writing your thoughts on your face, telling others that...

A smile is a way of writing your thoughts on your face, telling others that...

Lord I know I'm not here to stay, but thanks for waking me up today....

Lord I know I'm not here to stay, but thanks for waking me up today....

My bed is a time machine. I lay down for 5 minutes and the next...

My bed is a time machine. I lay down for 5 minutes and the next...