From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
Quote by Groucho Marx
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with...
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have...
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying...
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly...
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to...
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's...
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I...
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.